


still i fall

by Anonymous



Category: Harry Styles - Musician, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Minor Character Death, Slow Build, also sorry Jeff for not including you, chasm - Freeform, like super minor, lots of angst I’m sorry, taylor swift mentioned sorta, too slow of a build I’m sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 09:06:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14422092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: The one where Clare wakes up knowing she’s in love with Harry and suddenly life gets complicated.





	still i fall

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this because I was bored and feeling deeply about those two. Didn’t intend for it to be this much. I made a lot of it up in my head (obviously). I also have zero idea how tour busses or even tours in general work. So yeah. Also this is just me using them as inspiration for the characters, it’s all a work of fiction. Their actions only reflect how I wanted the story to go and how much I watch romantic comedies. 
> 
> Another thing is this probably has a lot of grammatical errors and typos so I’m sorry.
> 
> Anyways hope you enjoy.

Clare wakes up one night knowing she was in love with Harry. Not just any night, but the first night they’re back on a promo tour. 

She doesn’t know how or why but she can feel it in her bones, can feel what perhaps she had been denying for so long. 

And maybe she had always been in love with Harry. Maybe ever since that night at the cafe where his eyes sparkled when he smiled at her. Maybe when he screamed and cussed during rehearsal just to make them laugh. Maybe when he was sitting down, strumming his guitar in his room at the tour bus with tear tracks he furiously tried to wipe before she interrupted and sat silently next to him to make sure he didn’t feel alone. Maybe when she met everyone of his romantic partners and always thought that Harry deserved more. Clare had no idea when it was or if one moment or all the moments led up to this, but the truth of it was that it did not matter. She is in love with Harry, the Harry Styles. Her best friend and bandmate. That’s what mattered. 

She wipes her eyes, taking a deep breath and going back to her bed where she dreaded tomorrow. 

Clare had always been so truthful and honest in the most possible kind way. Today she just felt like she couldn’t be that. 

They had several TV shows lined up for the day, typical promo stuff but her head was spaced off and during rehearsal she missed one of her cues. Harry raised an eyebrow at her slightly concerned at which she just adverted her gaze and apologized quietly. 

During a break she’s sitting down in a corner sipping her water as she tried to get a grip of herself when she felt a warm presence next to her. 

“You okay?” Harry whispered and yeah, this was not what she wanted. Not after her realization from yesterday. 

Clare couldn’t just tell him, ‘nothing is okay I’m in love with you and I don’t want to ruin our friendship please leave me alone while I try to simultaneously get over you and still be the friend and bandmate you need.’

“Jet lag.” She opted for that answer instead, which wasn’t that of a lie. She kept her gaze down because one, Harry knew her too well and two she couldn’t stare at Harry so closely. She might do something stupid, like kiss him or stare at him like he’s the sun. 

“You sure?” Harry asked and Clare could tell that Harry knew something was off. 

“Yeah, I will get better. Don’t worry.” She fakes a smile and flashes at him briefly, before gazing away and taking another sip of her water.

Harry nods, still not totally convinced. “Okay, let me know if something else is going on okay? And if you want to talk about it, you know I’m always here.”

Clare closes her eyes, she knows which is what sucks. She can’t tell him what exactly is wrong. “Thanks H, will do.”

Harry seems like he’s about to say something else when they get called back in to finish rehearsals. 

It’s been two weeks and the promo tour has been going quiet the same. She couldn’t talk or speak to Harry as she used to and while it was killing her Clare felt like it was something she had to do.

Sarah was the first one to ask. It was nothing too un normal. The band was taking a break as Harry was whisked away to do more interviews and Clare just followed him with her gaze and then sighs quietly.

“Oh.” Sarah gasps and the entire band turns to her while she stares at Clare. “Is that why you’ve been this way?”

Clare doesn’t have to ask elaborate, she knew Sarah was smart. Mitch and Adam raised an eyebrow as they looked at their exchange.

Clare just nods once and looks down, she hears shuffling and suddenly Sarah is next to her, pulling her into a hug. She melts immediately and just stays there for a few moments. It felt nice to share this with someone, it can get so lonely. 

Her eyes water and she can’t. She literally can’t cry especially when they have several performances and Clare didn’t really want to ruin them. 

“What’s wrong?” A soft concerned raspy voice asks and Clare shoots up, Sarah tensing up next to her. Harry seemed so worried as he just looked at Clare. “Did something happened?”

Clare shakes her head and Sarah pipes up, “She’s just tired, long day you know?”

Clare just nods but Harry doesn’t look convinced, his jaw is actually set and he nods and stalks out of the room without a word. Of course Harry didn’t believe her, he knew her like the palm of his hand. She hopes he continues to stay away so she can somehow bury whatever it is she feels for Harry. 

A small voice in the back of her head says, that’s impossible you’re so in love with him, you’re ruined!

There’s a full moon and it’s late at night and they’re parked somewhere secluded so Clare decides she needs a little talk with the Moon. She slides out of the tour bus and climbs on top of it, folding her knees and resting her chin there. She closed her eyes as she mentally just implored for anyway to get answers about Harry. Clare manages to feel slightly relaxed, the cool air around her making the unkept hair around her ponytail blow freely. 

“Can I join you?”

Clare looks over and Harry is there. A tiny soft smile is there while his hair was blowing all directions. It was adorable. She nodded before she could stop herself but at the same time it’s not like she could say no.

He sits next to her and already Clare is fighting a strange pull to cuddle by him. Harry seems to not fight it bc he wraps his arm around her waist and pulls her in by his side. 

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Harry whispers, “Don’t bullshit me please, your different Clare. If it’s none of my business then I’m sorry for overstepping, but I’m worried.” 

Clare could sit there and tell Harry why she’s been different. But that’s not something that’s an opinion, not if she wanted to keep his friendship. 

“Is it me?” Harry asks and Clare could hear the slight panic in his voice, “Am I what’s wrong? If I’m asking for too much or pressuring you, or just over working you please tell me Clare. You mean so much to me, I’d never like to make you unhappy.”

Clare feels a tear roll down her face and all she wants to do is tell him that he’s perfect, that he’d never do anything wrong, that she’ll never meet anyone like him. 

“I’m homesick.” She says instead and she can feel Harry relax slightly, “Everything is fine Harry, I just miss home. I’m trying to get over it.”

“Oh.... Clare why didn’t you tell me?” Harry squeezed her side, “You know I can fly out your family and friends for a couple of days, no problem.”

“No, Harry don’t. Honestly, I just need time.” Clare rushed and pulled back, “Don’t do that, you already pay me an incredible amount I don’t need you to pay for them too.” 

She knew Harry was gonna say ‘it’s no problem’ because that’s what he always said before he did some incredible kind gesture. 

“And don’t say it’s no problem, Harry I mean it. I will be great.” Clare raised an eyebrow at him and Harry just nods, “Good, we should probably go to bed. Early morning tomorrow for you!” 

A few days later Clare’s parents arrive along with several of her friends. This was all Harry. She told him not to and yet to make sure she wasn’t homesick he brought her home. She couldn’t even be properly angry because her heart was so full with them. She stayed almost all night telling them stories and funny anecdotes. Her heart melted a little when Harry would pop in and treat everyone like they were the celebrities. This definitely didn’t help her get over him. That’s why when they left she was even worse than before. 

She was moping around walking to her hotel room when Harry strolled by and before she could stop herself. “I told you not to bring them Harry, how much was it? I’ll pay you back.”

Harry frowns and shakes his head, “Nonsense. I wanted to make sure my friend was feeling better. Don’t worry about it.”

“Harry you can’t go around doing that. I told you I’d be fine, now I’m actually am going to be fucking homesick!” Clare snaps at him and she crosses her arms before she realized what she said.

Harry cocks his head, “But... you were already homesick, t-that’s what you said.” His face turns a little rigid, his eyebrows shot up and his jaw tightened, “You lied.”

Clare was scrambling, “I... no.. well...”

Harry’s face was so hard, she’s seen him mad before but this different and also it had never been directed at her. 

“So you fucking lied to me for what?” Harry snaps, “I flew everyone out!”

“I never asked you to! I told you not to! How was I supposed to know you’d actually fly them out! How is that any of my fault?” Clare snaps right back at him. 

“Stop avoiding my question, what was really wrong? Why did you lie to me?” Harry’s voice was getting louder by the minute, “I’m one of your best friends Clare, I thought you trusted me.”

“Harry...” Clare starts but what is she supposed to say? 

“You lied to me because the reason you’re different is me right?” Harry said, his voice small and his posture changed from the angry confrontational one moments before. 

Clare eyes water and she doesn’t dare look up to him, “It’s complicated..”

“Bullshit.” Harry whispers his voice breaking and Clare can’t, she can’t let him think he was the problem. 

“You are not the problem Harry! You never are! You’re perfect and wonderful and I’ll never be able to thank you enough!” She looks over at him, “You are amazing, god you are much more than amazing. Words can’t describe just how beautiful you are. So maybe it was inevitable or maybe I could help it but I didn’t.” 

Harry seemed a little confused, “What are you trying to say?”

Clare just stares at him and her heart flutters, “I’m in love with you.” She can’t believe she actually said that but she did and now it’s out there and she can’t take it back. At least not instantly. “I’m telling you this because it kills me that you think you’re the problem. I’m not asking you to return the feelings, I’m not asking anything in return. I was different because I’m trying to get over you.”

“Clare I-“ Harry starts but she can’t hear this, not right now. His face was a mixed of different emotions, shocked, confused, pensive. 

“Stop.” She starts taking a huge breath, “Please, if you truly care about me we’ll save this and pretend I never said anything. I’m going to need some time okay? Hope you understand that. ” Clare wipes her tears, “We have a long day tomorrow so, to our rooms.” She didn’t wait for him to say anything she just walked to her room and quickly slid inside. It was one of those times where she couldn’t think of what happened so she lays down and hopes sleeps come fast. 

Unfortunately sleep doesn’t come well and Clare cries mostly all night. Which isn’t a good thing when she’s in hair and make up. Sarah just stares at her and hugs her as much as she can. She doesn’t know how she’s going to deal with Harry. 

“I told him.” Clare says as soon as they’re alone and Sarah’s eyebrows shot up. 

“Did he say anything?”

Clare shakes her head, “He was going to probably, probably was going to make me feel better. But I just stopped him, told him to pretend I never said anything.”

Sarah frowns a little, “Clare... you should have let him express himself, it’s not fair that you’re the only one expressing yourself. Granted I know these are your feelings, but Harry has thoughts and feelings about what you just said too. You’re his best friend, he’s bound to have some feelings, romantically or not, jumping around.”

“I just... I know my love is one sided but him confirming it would just kill me.” Clare confessed and she feels so small, she wants to fake an illness and just stay in her room and cry for hours again. Sarah pulls her into a hug and doesn’t say anything else. 

The band is warming up, doing a few vocal warm ups when Harry comes in. He’s laughing softly on the phone and hangs up as soon as the door closes. Clare avoids looking at him and continues harmonizing with the rest of the group. She heard Harry join in as usual. 

Once they were done Mitch and Harry started talking and Clare just zoned out. Sarah stayed by her side, talking to Adam about his kids and Clare listened to that instead. It was time for them to go on stage and Clare stands up, walking alongside Sarah when she could just feel Harry’s gaze on her. 

She dares to turn and they make eye contact, Harry’s face was unreadable and it just made her stomach sink. She gives him a small smile though at which he returns the smile. That was something. 

 

They don’t really talk a lot for the next few days, they’re doing shows so of course they have to awknowledge each other. But it’s small, ‘can you pass me the water?’ ‘I think your cue was late’ or her favorite one was every time they accidentally bumped they both said ‘no you go ahead’ and it was awkward for a few minutes. 

“Can we talk?” Harry said, while practicing in front of everyone, even some of their crew. He was standing in front of her, clearly talking to her and Clare just wanted to die. Not literally, but maybe. 

She blinks and is about to make up a random excuse when Harry continues, “Privately, now... please.”

This was so random, she was laughing with Adam about a video he was showing her of his kids and the crew was trying to fix the lightning around them to make it fit. And Harry just walked up to her and asked that. 

She hesitates before she nods and Harry turns around and starts walking out of the rehearsing room. Which I guess meant Clare needs to follow him. Sarah shoots her a hopeful glance on the way out.

They head down the narrow hallway and into a smaller fitting room. Harry shoulders seemed tensed and Clare almost went and rubbed them until she remembered they were probably going to have a very awkward talk. 

“You just.... told me you loved me and then you told me to pretend it never happened? Then we barely talk all of these days. It’s worse than before Clare.” Harry says and he sounds hurt.

“Harry, I’m trying to get over you, of course it’s going to be a little awkward at first!”

“So you’re closing me out?”

“God, no Harry! But I need some-“

“Some space? Yeah? I tried. These days I tried. But I saw you laughing with Adam and I realized that used to be us and it was so easy between us. This past month, I feel like that’s gone forever. And I can’t lose that Clare, I can’t lose you.”

“Harry, I’m not going anywhere! I’ve told you this, I was going to need some time! I doubt you’ve gotten over anyone that fast!”

Harry’s quiet for that, but his frown is getting deeper and Clare knows this fight has barely started. “I didn’t want to alert the crew you know? Wanted to keep this between us, I didn’t want this to be out there.”

Clare closes her eyes, “Yeah me neither. That’s why I was very shocked when you just brought me out of rehearsal. I mean we should probably go, don’t want them to-”

“You want to know what’s extremely funny?” Harry says interrupting her, eyes watering slowly, “On our last show of my first tour, you threw a pie on my face and completely missed and you got so embarrassed, I thought I didn’t think I’d ever find someone like you. Then you laughed and hugged me, with such warmth I never felt before.” He smiles sadly at the memory, “And I was absolutely right that you were one of a kind, that if I let myself go I’d fall so deeply in love with you.”

Clare froze, she didn’t dare look at him, her body felt like it was buzzing but sinking at the same time. 

“But see, I’ve always known you’re so much better than me. Your this soft, kind light that I can’t hurt, I can’t let anyone ruin you. So I made sure to push my feelings away. It was working you know? At least I thought it was. There was a barrier I couldn’t cross.” He pauses and looks at her, “Ever since you told me, it’s like there’s no barrier. But I know there’s one. But it’s like you’re attainable, like you’re the moon and I’m an astronaut about to land.” He chuckles and sighs, “I was going to let this ride out.. was going to let you get over me. But I’m being selfish, I miss you too much and I.. don’t want you getting over me.”

Clare’s palms shook as she just tried to process everything, “A barrier?”

“Yeah a barrier. Claire, I don’t deserve you. Like have you seen yourself?”

Clare snorts, “Have YOU seen yourself Harry? Why do you think I’m in love with you”

Harry shakes his head, “No, listen. You’re such a beautiful and amazing person, I’ve never met anyone who is so true and so honest. You’re so delicate and soft and I can’t ruin you.”

“Ruin me?” Clare asks a little confused, “Harry, what are you talking about?”

“The media... the world. If they even get a rumor about us, you don’t know what they can do to you. I can take it, I have been taking it because it’s what I’ve gone through for years. I’m not immune but I’m used to it. You’re not, and it can ruin a person.” Harry sighs frustrated, “So many of my significant partners have just left because they can’t take it, you’ve seen it.” 

Clare frowns a little, she hadn’t thought about that. Actually she hadn’t thought about any of this. Before this conversation she hadn’t even thought of the possibility of Harry returning his feelings. 

“But sometimes I just feel so selfish..” Harry whispers and steps closer to her, “Like I said I don’t want you getting over me.”

Clare felt this magnetic pulse, she steps towards him, their hands just brushing as they just stare at each other. “Then I won’t...” She whispers as she stares into those big green eyes she loved so much. “Be selfish, even for a moment.”

Harry seemed to give in, he cups her face with both hands. He just stares at her for a moment, can’t believe he was actually in this position. He leans in, their noses rubbing together before their lips pressed softly. Clare tilts her head slightly, angling the kiss better. It was soft, tentative, shy and delicate. 

But just as it started it was soon over. Harry pulls back, his eyes still closed and he takes a deep breath. “I can’t be selfish.”

Clare feels her heart sink, as she just watched him go and for a moment she let herself feel the burn on her lips. 

 

Months passed, they were on their first leg of the tour. Clare and Harry were friends. Not like how they used to be. They never spoke about what happened, never once dared to mention it. Sometimes Clare even wondered if it happened. 

She wasn’t over Harry still, doesn’t think she would be. But it was fine, they were only meant to be friends and that’s fine. She read somewhere that sometimes you come across a love like no other but that love doesn’t always stay. She’s fine, she thinks she has come to terms with it. 

She has a boyfriend now, well sorta. They are trying out the long distance thing, the FaceTime dates were very lovely and she was content with him. 

Clare is sipping on warm tea, reading a book in the tour bus when Harry pops in.

“Hey” Harry smiles, dimples out. “Thought I’d find you here.” 

Clare smiles, “Yeah? For what?”

“The band and I were thinking it could be fun to look at the museums, maybe get a local meal.” Harry shrugs and runs his fingers through his temple. “What you say?”

Clare bites her lip, “I’d really love to, I just..” She pauses, her having a boyfriend was a secret she was trying to keep from Harry. “I have to FaceTime my boyfriend today, it was already a day and time we had agreed on.”

Harry’s eyebrows show up and he looks shocked, a small grimace appears on his face, “B-Boyfriend? Since when do you have a boyfriend?”

“In the small three week break... I met someone and he actually wanted to give the distance relationship a go. Figure I found a good one if he wanted to make it work.” Clare smiles a little at the thought of Jace, he was good to her. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Harry’s accusatory tone interrupted her thoughts. 

She raised an eyebrow, “Because it’s my business.”

Harry simply clenched his jaw and nods, “Fair.” He stands up and is on his way out and pauses, “You should join us after though, I’ll text you restaurant details.”

FaceTime with Jace was nice, he had such a normal life. And his brown eyes would light up when Clare said she might fly back home to see him. She was thinking it, they were going to have a week off in a month and she could definitely make a trip. 

“Not to be annoying but when could I meet your friends? And obviously pop star Harry Styles?” Jace asked and Clare froze a little. Jace and Harry meeting would be weird for her, but nevertheless it’s not like Harry was her ex. 

Clare chuckles, joking instead, “Come during tour and you’ll see them more than you’d want to.”

“You know... I could make a trip, if you want me to though. A weekend and that’s it, if the band is okay with it and Harry of course.” Jace asks a little shyly. 

“I-I could ask them, that’s not a bad idea.” And it wasn’t but she just felt weird, especially with Harry’s reaction with her having a boyfriend. She ends the FaceTime soon and Harry texts her an hour later about the restaurant. 

They were in the middle of eating, she figures this could be a great time to ask. Clare clears her throat, “Hey... I have something to ask.” The band and Harry look over at her and she smiles softly at them, “I have a boyfriend, Jace, and he’d like to come for a weekend. He’ll pay for his own things of course, but he just wanted to make sure everything was okay with all of you. Plus he’s dying to meet you all.”

Sarah was a little shocked and Mitch for some reason turned to look at Harry. Adam however smiles and nods, “I’d love to meet whoever managed to capture Miss Clare’s heart.”

Clare blushes and nods at him. She looks over at Sarah and she nods, “I don’t mind at all.”

She dares to look at Harry who has such an unreadable expression, while staring at Mitch. Clare always knew they were both really close but she’s confused at what’s going on. 

Mitch sighs and turns to look at Clare, “You’ve certainly kept him from us, bring him over.”

“Yeah. Love to meet him.” Harry said and Clare almost jumped at how soft his voice sounded. 

Clare nods, “Thank you all, I’ll let him know and we can work the schedule out.” She turns to Harry, “I promise I won’t miss any work.”

Harry just nods and takes a sip of his drink, “I know you’re professional Clare.”

She nods and that’s that. Despite the weird vibe in the table they finish their dinner and head back to their tour bus. 

“So you really like him?” Harry asks suddenly when they’re alone and Clare didn’t really wanna have this conversation. 

“Harry don’t.” She said a little sharper than she intended to. 

“It’s just a question, we are friends I’m allowed that.” Harry whispers as he scowls at her. 

“Why would I have a boyfriend I don’t really like?” Clare sighs, “Why does it even matter anyways?”

Harry shrugs, “Just curious that’s all.”

“Well I answered your question.” Clare offers and stands up, “Goodnight Harry.”

She leaves the sitting area and heads to her bunk, she wasn’t sleepy now but she just didn’t want to be with Harry. Everything was going normal and now things were weird again. 

 

Jace got along with the band so well, Adam and him talked non stop. Sarah and him bonded over favorite music. Even Mitch talked around him. Harry was there, he was really nice to Jace, polite and charming as usual. So she thinks it’s going pretty well. 

Jace enjoys the concert, Clare even spots him jamming to kiwi. It was a good weekend and it’s sad it came to an end. She leans in pressing a soft kiss, “Two weeks and I’ll fly out, can’t miss me too much.” 

Jace squeezes her and nods, “But I will... I always will. Bye my love.” They kiss one more time before Jace is getting into a cab and off to the airport. She sighs, he was so great. 

Clare slides back into the tour bus and Harry’s there looking through a book, she thought about ignoring him and heading to her bunk. But he had been actually really good, it was nice to know he could be civil. 

“Want some tea?” Clare asks as she sets the kettle, looking over at him. 

Harry hums, “Could do.”

Clare makes them both tea, she guessed the rest of the band was asleep. She sits next to Harry as she waits for her tea to cool down a bit. 

“You had a good weekend?” Harry asks, she turns to him and there was something unreadable in his eyes. 

“Yeah, the best.” She answers truthfully, she takes a sip of her tea and smiles. “Thank you, he is a fan, so him meeting you was a highlight of his.”

Harry hums, “A fan? I see.”

“You see what?”

“Nothing.”

“Harry?”

“Well... what if he’s only dating you because he wanted to meet me?”

Clare stared at Harry and he seemed so honest about his question. She just laughs and stands up, throwing her tea on the sink. 

“Clare, wait.”

“No. No Harry. You don’t get to make my boyfriend about you. As if you’re the reason the world fucking turns!”

Harry was a little shocked and he backs up a little, “I don’t... I didn’t mean it that way. I-I’m just looking out for you.”

“I don’t need you to Harry! I’m old enough to take care of myself. And I like to think I’m old enough to know who I’m dating!”

“Do you? Meet a guy for a few weeks and suddenly you’re so into him!” Harry snaps and steps closer, crowding her space. 

“Stop that. You don’t get a say so Harry. Whoever I’m with and whatever pace I wanna go with my significant others is my business.”

“I just think-“

“SHUT UP! For god sakes, you’re unbelievable Harry! I don’t understand what this is, if you’re just mad I moved on or whatever it is. But I have. It’s what you wanted to Harry, since you took it upon yourself to ‘not ruin me’ like I was this helpless little girl looking for a savior! You made a decision for us! So this anger or doubt or whatever the fuck it is, it’s on you, you did this not me! Now you leave Jace and me alone, at least he gave me the respect I deserved.” Clare’s tears were streaming down her face and Harry seemed to be reaching for her but she shook her head. “Don’t touch me.”

She pushed past him and out of the the tour bus. This wasn’t fair, Harry didn’t get to come in and have an opinion, not after basically rejecting her. She knows she can’t walk far but she just needed a breath. 

She climbs on top of the bus and just sits there. It was a little cold but she wasn’t about to go inside. Clare stopped crying, so that was something. She probably dozed off because next thing she knows there’s a warm embrace and she shots up. 

“We thought you’d ran off, Harry was really worried until he realized you’d probably be here.” Mitch explains as he sits next to her, “Do you want to talk him yet?” Clare shakes her head and Mitch nods, “That’s fair, he acted like an asshole.” Clare nods and Mitch sighs, “He told me you know, about what happened. He regrets it so much, but wanted to give you autonomy.”

“He took that away when he made the decision himself.” Clare interrupts him, “I wouldn’t have cared you know, if the media blew it up. If the media had strong opinions about me, I’m content with myself and him. He made it seem like I wasn’t strong.”

Mitch shrugs, “I think you’re seeing this incorrectly but either way it’s not my place to speak for him. He does want to talk with you, so whenever you’re ready and if you’re not then we can stay up here. Might call Sarah though to bring us food though.”

That get a smile out of her. She doesn’t know how much time passes but she knows it’s time to face Harry. 

They both get down and Adam and Sarah just smile softly at her.

“We’ll just stay out here.” Sarah says and Clare nods as she walks into the tour bus. 

Harry’s there, leaning against the counter, his eyes red rimmed and for a moment Clare wants to hug him. “Clare...” He says really softly, “I’m so sorry... I’m so sorry. I know it’s shit and it doesn’t cover how much I have hurt you but I am. I’ll always be sorry.” He bites his lip, “Jace being here and you being so happy next to him, it made me realize how stupid I fucking am. And it’s late, too late for that. And I was trying to find anything off about him, but no he’s lovely. Which duh! He’s great because you are great.”

Clare doesn’t think he’d ever seen Harry speak so quickly, she was shocked.

“When I... I didn’t give us a chance because I didn’t want anyone to ruin you. I didn’t mean to make you seem like a little helpless girl. I know you’re not, I was just scared. I was scared because what if we did this and suddenly you didn’t want it? The media, everything ruined it for us? It’s so stupid I know but that’s why I made that decision. And I’m sorry. I’ve missed my chance and that’s okay. I just want your friendship Clare, if that’s still something I can have.”

Clare’s mind was swirling and there was a lot she hadn’t processed. “I’m still mad at you, but I’m sure I’ll get over it. Your friendship is good yes, but you can’t overstep again Harry. I won’t have it.”

Harry nods, “I won’t, I promise.”

Clare takes a deep breath, “Well c’mere you, even if I’m still mad I could use a cuddle.”

Harry’s smile was beautiful, Clare knew that as long as he smiled at her like that, anything between them was good. 

Clare flew out to meet with Jace where they had a lovely week, filled with coffee shops, yoga and random trips to museums. It went on like that for two months. He made time and she made time and all seemed to be good. And her friendship with Harry was great, he even would invade her FaceTime dates to talk to Jace. Or offer to fly him out, which Clare declined.

 

The tour was on the third leg. It was day one and Clare had just gotten out of rehearsal when Jace called.

“Hey love, you called at the right moment!” She chirped, as she walked back to the tour bus. 

“Hey...” Jace sounds serious and Clare knows something is wrong, “I... my mom passed away in the morning.”

Clare freezes, Mrs. Walton was so lovely the few times she met her. “Jace... I’m so sorry... oh god. I’m really sorry, are you okay? That’s a dumb question to ask I’m sorry.”

Jace sighs, “I’m not.. I have to deal with a funeral, I don’t... I can’t. Can you fly out? For a few days... just to help me.”

“Of course.” Clare said, she didn’t know who would cover her but she needed to be with him in times like these. “I will fly out first thing tomorrow okay? Just take deep breaths for me love. I have to go and talk to Harry about this, keep texting me okay?”

They say their goodbyes and she immediately starts looking for Harry, he’s laughing and joking with Mitch when she enters the dressing room. 

“Hey can we talk?” Clare bites her lip and Harry nods, Mitch exits the room without them having to ask him. 

“Hey what’s wrong? You’re pale Clare, what happened?”

“Jace’s mom passed away and he needs me to go. I’m leaving tomorrow for a few days, it’ll be out of my own money. I’m sorry it’s to soon but I can’t, he needs me Harry.” Clare is practically begging and Harry leans in pulling her into a hug. 

“Clare... hey breath okay? It’s fine, of course it’s short notice. I mean how can it not be? It’s a death in the family. You can go okay? We can handle it. Don’t feel guilty, Jace needs you.” Harry said warmly and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, “Use my private jet, no buts about it okay.”

Clare doesn’t know how Harry is a real person, how he’s just so good to her. She thanks him a thousand times and knows that she owes him big. The few days she spends with Jace are hard, the funeral was sad and Jace was just sad. She didn’t want to leave, Harry let her know countless times to take the time she needed to. A week passed and Jace assured her he was going to be okay, he seemed a little better than before so that’s why Clare was back on tour. 

The first week back was probably the worst week Clare had ever experienced. Jace was distant on texts, didn’t want to FaceTime at all. He was just different towards her, it was making her anxious. She put on a brave face though, she had shows and her friends and for that small bit she was content. Her heart would sink each time Jace wouldn’t text back or would cancel face time dates. 

She was miserable and she almost asked Harry if she could leave again as another week passed and Jace remained the same. She was glad she didn’t. One night a really late call came in from Jace. 

She steps into the living room area and answers it, “Hey love, so good to hear from you.”

She was a little awkward but it seemed like ages since they’ve spoke. Jace clears his throat, “Clare.. I care about you as a person. You’re a great person you know? I will always do...”

Well that was a strange way to start a phone call but nevertheless she stood quiet just listening to him. “So please please don’t hate me. But I can’t... I can’t do this anymore Clare. You’re not here and when you are it’s enough, it is. But I need enough always and you can’t give it to me.”

Clare feels her palms start to shake, “Jace... what are you saying?”

Jace takes an audible deep breath and continues, “Since my mom passed away, I can’t have half of you. I’m.. sorry. I do love you, but I just... can’t.”

Clare felt like she had been punched in the gut, she loved and cared for him and he was just ending it. Just like that. She didn’t know what to say without crying her eyes out. So she simply said “I understand. I’m sorry I can’t be what you want..”

“I’m sorry Clare... wish it didn’t have to be this way. I’m sorry.” Jace repeated himself and then simply said goodbye and that was that. 

Clare sits down and starts crying, she can’t believe it’s over. It was over between her and Jace. How was it over? She forgot her job and flew out for him? How was that not enough? Why wasn’t it enough?

“Clare?” Harry asks, startling her and he immediately rushes to her and pulls her into a hug. “What’s wrong?”

Clare cried into his chest and whispers, “Jace broke up with me... said I wasn’t enough, said he couldn’t date half of me.”

Harry’s grip tightened as he holds her close, “I’m sorry Clare.”

They don’t speak a lot, she simply cries into his chest until she can’t anymore and even then Harry doesn’t move. He stays there all night, making sure she was okay. And once again Clare doesn’t understand how Harry was a real person. 

The rest of that leg of the tour went slow for Clare. All the band was extremely supportive, they had slumber parties or multiple group dates. Harry even bought them a karaoke machine where they entertained themselves each night. That helped and so was tour. Each city they went to was a different adventure and even for a few hours she could forget Jace. 

It got easier as the days went by, she erased his number and the posts. Several Harry fans noticed and even sent her cute messages. So that was nice. 

When the last leg of the tour arrived, which was none other than the US. Clare realized she was over Jace, she had good fond memories of him and that was good. An adventure of love as Sarah put it.

The US shows were the best, the energy and the vibe was unmatched. She was so happy when their first show happened. Practically bouncing off the walls as the concert ended. 

“Clare, you’re definitely something tonight.” Harry chuckles and Clare giggled and shrugged as she practically ran to the tour bus. She was happy, happier than she’d been in the last month. 

“I’m just happy! Can’t I be happy?” Clare defends herself as she slides into the tour bus and she’s already on the karaoke machine choosing a song

Harry laughs, “Happy is a good look on you, I love it!” He sits next to her, “Okay so which song are we singing?”

Clare raised an eyebrow at him, “We? Nope! I’ve decided to go solo!”

“Oh! Already? Our duets were great! Fame... it truly changes people.” He shakes his head in mock disappointment and Clare just laughs. 

The rest of the crew is around them but somehow it only feels like Harry and her are there, arguing about going solo. 

“You’re just jealous I’m going to upstage you!” Clare grabs the mic and stands up, starting to sing. The rest of the night they both just spend taking turns while the band just cheers for them. Clare doesn’t plan on getting drunk she just does. 

Harry and her are the last two still in the living room, talking about songs. 

“Okay but you always do endless love? You ever think of shaking it up?” 

“Never! I’m good at it, plus it takes everyone’s breath away.”

Clare snorts, “You are so full of yourself sometimes, it’s like ugh why am I even friends with you?”

Harry pouts and leans over resting his head on her shoulder, “Because despite all of that and more you know you could never live without me.”

It’s true, Clare’s life would be dull without Harry. And she’s not afraid to admit that, she grabs his hand and sighs, “Yeah you’re right, but let’s be real your life is going to suck when I’m no longer in it.”

Harry moves slightly back and looks at her, “No longer in it? Are you really going solo on me?”

“No... I mean I’d love to pretend we will always be here and do this.” Clare hums, “But I mean one day it could be different you know.”

Harry is quiet for a few minutes and Clare wondered if he fell asleep. “I might have ruined any romantic aspects of our relationship but I never want to stop being your friend Clare.”

It startles Clare a bit and she almost wished she hadn’t been drunk when she started this conversation. “I never said we would stop being friends, I just mean the band... who knows if we’ll always be here.”

Harry frowns, “I love you guys here, wouldn’t change a thing. Don’t kill our dreams yet Clare.”

Clare smiles softly at him, “Well then I guess we’ll always have each other then.”

Harry matches her smile, along with that dimple she loves. “Always.”

After that night, it was like their relationship returned to how it always was. They were always together just laughing at anything. It was amazing just how easy it was. 

But along the easiness came back those old feelings. 

They were about to start kiwi and Harry turns to smile at her, the soft carefree smile she loves and she can’t look away. She does obviously when they start the song but it’s like she’s back in the same mindset. The I’m so in love with Harry Styles mindset. 

So much that she even finds herself jamming to Style on her off time. 

“Hey what are you listening to?” Harry interrupts her one day and Clare jumps startled at his voice and also the fact that she’s listening to a song that his ex wrote about him. 

“I-I...” Clare starts when Harry grabs an earphone and listens. 

He frowns a little and looks over at her, “Really? Swift fan?”

Clare can’t help but blush, “I-It was on shuffle... I hadn’t listen to this since it came out.”

Harry chuckles and steps back, “One of the best songs written about me, glad you enjoy it.”

She watches him walk off as Taylor starts screaming ‘take me home’ and yeah that sounds about right. 

Clare doesn’t intend on catching feelings for him again but maybe it’s inevitable. Maybe it was just going to be one of those things. Before Jace she had accepted that she wouldn’t love anyone like Harry. But meeting Jace made her realize that she could love and care for someone. That she could move on after Harry. Which was great to know, but she didn’t have anyone right now. And truly after Jace, she needed some time off on dating. 

“You okay?” Sarah asks as they’re lounging around outside the arena. The sun was out and she could never say no to some natural serotonin. 

“Never been happier, why?” Clare asks as she keeps her eyes closed, humming a soft tune. 

“Just making sure, Harry and you are close again. I just don’t want you getting sad again.” 

Clare shakes her head, “No, it’s okay. He’s my best friend and despite it all, despite my feelings, I don’t think he could ever make me sad again. Harry, along with you guys, make me incredibly happy.”

Sarah smiles and reaches for Clare’s hand, squeezing it. “You’re a cheese ball, you know that? Harry and you are the perfect friends.”

She laughs and shrugs, “You need some cheese in your life, you all do!”

“I think with Harry it’s enough, now there’s both! Ugh!” Sarah fakes disgust and Clare giggles, about to answer, when Harry strolls by. 

“I heard my name, what are you two chatting about?” He crosses his arms and Clare smiles at how adorable he looks. 

“Sarah said we are too cheesy, that one was enough but now you’ve turned me into a cheese ball.” She laughs at Harry’s offended expression.

“Okay first of all!” Harry starts to sass Sarah and Clare zoned out a little because he’s so dramatic with his expressions. He was so charismatic, it was delightful to watch. She forces herself to zone back in right when Harry is closing up his argument, “Plus there’s like a thousand cheeses, Clare could be Gouda and I could be Feta!”

“You know what, just because of that comment I’m gonna start calling you both Gouda and Feta!” Sarah announces as she starts running, probably on her way to find the rest of the crew. Clare suspects that in a few moments everyone will be calling them that. 

Harry groans, dramatically, in defeat, “Did I just compare us to cheese and basically made it easier for people to make fun of us?”

Clare faked a grimace, “You did, thanks a lot pal!” She can’t help but chuckle, “Or should I say my Feta cheese?”

“I’m sorry my Gouda cheese!” Harry mocks her and they both start laughing. 

Clare was right, the nicknames stuck. 

 

It was the last show of the tour, after this the era would be over. She can’t believe it had gone by so fast. Clare is a bit overwhelmed but overall extremely happy. She learned and experienced so much. 

Harry makes heartwarming speeches about each person in the band and Clare tries hard not to cry. He speaks so beautifully about each of them and for the billionth time she can’t believe he’s a real person. 

For his speech on her, he definitely referenced their cheese nicknames to which the crowd was confused and he gladly explained. 

They all had a big group huddle as they said goodbye and Clare for a moment felt terrified that next time they would be doing this, it could be a lot different. 

They had a bit of a party afterwards, Harry was running around trying to thank everyone and Clare couldn’t stop looking at him. He was still a bit sweaty from his show, his black top was half undone and his trousers were so fitted. His hair was just draping against his forehead and no matter how much he would push it back it just fell perfectly. He was just so breathtaking sometimes, well if she was honest all the time. 

“Go for it.” Mitch says and she almost jumps, clearly being startled and a little embarrassed.

“What?”

“Harry. Go for it, doubt his feelings have changed.” Mitch offers as he sips on his wine and just gives her a small smile. 

Clare shakes her head, “I think we missed that train.”

Mitch rolls his eyes, “You both act like you two had a massive fallout. No offense but you two only kissed once and you were both too afraid to want anything more.” Clare was about to argue but he continued, “Yes, he pushed you away. But you also didn’t fight for it. I know you thought there was no point but Harry isn’t always sure of himself. Romantically speaking he’s vulnerable sometimes. Show him he doesn’t have to be scared.”

Clare is left speechless and Mitch just winks and strolls away. Maybe he had a point. She didn’t fight, she just agreed with Harry. She didn’t go after him, didn’t try to convince him otherwise. She was scared, just like he was. 

But how was she supposed to take the leap? She was still scared, it still frightened her to lose Harry. Clare looked over at him, he was shaking another crew members hands and was engaged in a conversation with him. She will never meet anyone like him. It be impossible for anyone to ever measure up to Harry. They’re all gonna fall short. But could she do it? Could she go for it?

Suddenly Harry turns his gaze and spots her, his face immediately falls into a warm smile and he waves across the room. She returns the smile and waves back. Clare had her answer. 

The party seems to go on almost all night. Clare had so much fun talking and laughing with the crew. She would miss them so much, they were all like a family. And the band, well they were practically conjoined at this point. 

“Hello my Gouda cheese.” Harry chirps next to her and Clare instantly smiles, “Had a fun night?”

They were in the tour bus again, she was leaning against the counter as she prepared some tea. She wondered why Harry was still here. Every time a leg ends he immediately leaves back to LA or London. But it seemed like he was leaving with them this time. 

“Extremely fun, not even that annoyed when someone accidentally spilled their drink all over me.” Clare chuckles and runs a hand through her damp hair, she just gotten out of the shower.

“I fired whoever it was in your honor.” Harry smirks at her, clearly teasing. 

“Thank you my brave Feta cheese, my honor is protected. However, it’s the closing of the tour isn’t everybody like jobless anyway?” Clare points out and laughs at Harrys annoyed face. 

“You got me, I couldn’t defend your honor! I have failed you.” Harry pouts and even he can stop himself from giggling. 

They’re both laughing at their horrible jokes and she doesn’t think it could get better than this. The laugh dies down and now they’re both just staring.

Clare wanted nothing more than to close the distance and kiss him again. “Hey...” She starts and Harry just nods so she continues, “I wasn’t being fair before. I had a lot of fault in us not being together. I didn’t fight for it.” She decides just to get straight to the point, the vibe between them was really strong. 

Harry is a little surprised at that. He’s speechless and just nods, urging her to continue. “And I also realized maybe I’d like to fight for us. Despite everything that has happened then, I still have feelings and sometimes I feel like you do too. Harry, I still love you. I don’t think I ever stopped. It’s insane I know but-“

Clare stops when Harry wraps an arm around her waist and brings her close. She cups his face, rubbing his stubble on his chin as he just stares into his eyes. 

“Can I kiss you, for reals this time?” Harry whispers and Clare feels like her legs might give out. She nods and that’s all that Harry needed. 

He pressed their lips together, so soft and delicate, much like their last kiss. It was exciting and it just felt right being able to kiss Harry again. Like a gasp of fresh air after swimming underwater for so long. 

Clare doesn’t know how, but she’s backed against the corner and the kiss starts getting heavy. She breaths in through her nose as their lips move eagerly against each other. She pulls back a little and laughs softly. 

“What’s so funny?” Harry asks, an amused smile on his face. 

“I had this entire monologue in my head and you just interrupted to kiss me.” Clare smiles at him and pressed another kiss to his plump lips. 

Harry shrugs, “Figured I could meet you halfway, you were taking a huge step so I had to as well. Mutual in a way.”

Now Clare all really wants to do is just kiss him. “T-That’s... That’s right.”

She pulls him in again, her tongue running along his bottom lip and Harry groans. She doesn’t waste time as she slips their tongues together and now she’s groaning. 

Harry grabs her legs and hikes her up on the counter and yeah this was a better angle. Clare runs her hands through his hair as they just continue kissing each other. 

“Holy shit!” Adam gasped and Clare and Harry jumped and pull away. “Holy shit! Sarah, Mitch come out here!”

Sarah and Mitch show up next to him and Clare blushes turning to look at Harry who just looked so sinful. His lips were so swollen, his hair a mess... she’d kiss him again if their friends weren’t gaping at them. 

Clare hops off the counter and is trying to rack her brain to say anything but it seems like both her and Harry are speechless. 

Sarah just smiles, “Took you long enough, both of you cheese balls.” She shakes her head and laughs, “C’mon you two. Let them be.” She winks at them as she takes Mitch and Adam, leaving both of them alone. 

A few moments pass Clare hums, “So they know.”

“Yeah they do.” Harry agrees and looks over at her and Clare knows that she’s in for a rant. And she was right because Harry starts going off. “I wanna do this, I-I don’t care if it’s going to be hard or that it terrifies me. I want to do this, I feel so alive with you. Not everyone has to know, I can be quiet until you’re ready or maybe you won’t be. I just want us to work, I want us.”

Clare feels like her heart might burst and she just nods, “Yeah... I want us.” She pulls him into a hug and she just feels his warmth and it brings a new sense of comfort. 

Harry pulls away this time to cup her face and bring it into a kiss, “Do you wanna head to my bed?”

“Wow, you’re confident for the first night huh?” Clare laughs softly, sliding their hands together. 

“Clare!” Harry hissed in embarrassment, “I was just thinking of cuddling!” He hums afterwards, “But if you’re into it, then...”

Clare pushes him playfully and nods, “Lead the way then.” 

They don’t have sex that night, they actually stay up talking about random things. They made out a few times, they couldn’t help it, they went months without kissing properly again. Both of them pass out, cuddling into each other as morning comes. That was the best sleep Clare has had in awhile. 

After boarding a jet and flying back to London, Harry waits for Clare back in his house. She meets him there and they spend their entire evening and night trying to get over their jet lag. They don’t because they spend most of that week with weird sleeping schedules but somehow it was the best week they’ve had in a long time. 

“You know?” Harry whispers one of those evenings as an overrated romantic comedy is on TV. “I never said it back.”

Clare raised an eyebrow at him, “Said what back?”

Harry smiles at her, “I love you too, to the moon and back and a thousand times around.”

Clare definitely thinks her heart physically burst this time. “Sarah was right, we are too cheesy for our own good.”

Harry snorts and shakes his head, “You love it and me.”

“I do, I truly do.” Clare says smiling at him as she leans in kissing him, sealing their love.

**Author's Note:**

> I’d love to read your comments be kind.


End file.
